The Quicksand Story

Our story through the quicksand of our own financial crisis

Archive for the tag “Marraige”

Holiday Reflections

So my computer has broken this week and it has been both a frustrating experience and a wonderful one. Without a computer to do my work I have only been able to check emails and the rest of my time has been spent preparing for Christmas. My week has been filled with baking cookies, pulling out our decorations, Christmas music and of course the joy on my children’s faces as this holiday season unfolds before them. These are memories that they will have for the rest of their lives.

That brings me to my subject. As I sit here writing on a borrowed computer I am thinking of all of the Christmases in the past, both the good ones and the not so easy ones. No matter how challenging the time before Christmas was it always had a way of working out for the best. It was as if the excitement of the holidays was infectious from the children. Their optimism was never-failing; Santa was never going to skip their home for Christmas. It is the law of intention to its core; the deep, unwavering belief that leads to success.

Just believe and it will happen. Children do it every year. Why can’t we as adults participate in this as well?

During this season is it possible to put aside all of our worldly stress and fear to capture some of the magic we felt as children?

How were we going to make that Christmas magic happen for our children? I had to make a choice to move away from the fear surrounding the season and just live in the moment like our children do. I used to find that by concentrating on the children and their excitement and their activities I could focus less on how we were going to afford the food and the gifts, by doing this, the season became something else for me. Joyful.

As adults, let’s look to our children for their example of what this Holiday season means. Let’s live vicariously through our children to bring peace to ourselves, and through our positive energy spread the joy and peace to others.

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Happy Thanksgiving

I just want to post what it is Paul and I are thankful for this year.  We have 3 wonderful children that we love dearly.  They are smart, talented and loving people.  We are very proud of them.

We are thankful for all for the opportunities that have presented themselves to us and the hope and excitement that they bring with them.

We are thankful to have good employment in a position that Paul is happy and challenged to be in.  It is a blessing to love what you do.

We are thankful for this blog, a place that allows us to help others through telling our story.  We hope you will learn from our mistakes.

We are thankful for our readers and followers.  Thank you for supporting us and helping us tell others they are not alone through financial crisis.

We are thankful for our families.  When times are tough they were a tremendous support and we appreciate all of what you have done for us.

We are thankful for our friends.  You are always there when we need and supportive of the steps we take.  We love you.

We are thankful for each other.

By taking time to appreciate all of the wonderful things and people we have in our lives we open ourselves up to more wonder and opportunity.  Don’t forget to take time in your life to remember all you are thankful for.  It doesn’t always have to be a holiday to do it either.

Happy Thanksgiving and may you and your families be blessed with love and appreciation through the coming holiday season.

Life begins to crumble

I think about where this all started and I can vividly remember one event….

We were living in Trumbull at the time.  Emily was not born yet and we were struggling every month to pay our $3600 mortgage.  It was always a battle to figure out where the money would come from to pay it.  This particular month we had the money in the account and the check had been sent.  It was such a good and bad feeling.  I felt a sense of freedom that it was paid for another month, but, I can remember thinking that this was probably going to be the last time we were going to be able to pay it.  I was bothered by that and was quite depression about it.

I remember fighting with Paul.  He would say to me why can’t you just enjoy what you have right here and now.  You are making yourself miserable…  I would say I just want to pay my bills.  I am not looking for anything more.  Why can’t we downsize and just pay the bills.  This repeated fight was a big issue for us at the time.

Well the next day. He goes to work and comes home in a wonderful mood.  A better mood than I had seen him in in months.

I said,” What did you do today you’re in a good mood?”

He said,” I went shopping.”

“Oh” I said,” what did you get?”  I thinking he would say a shirt, a pair of pants something for the boys….

“Some clothing, a couple of suits, some shirts.”

I sat down heavily and asked,”So you cot a check today?”

“No” he said,”We had the money in the account and we paid the mortgage a few days ago, so I thought I would take the extra money and buy some suits at Mitchells.”

I was shocked… I couldn’t speak because I was choking.  I felt like I was lost at sea and sinking. I felt abandoned and betrayed.  I couldn’t breath but managed to ask how much he spent.  He very happily and easily replied $3000.

“We had the money…”  I began to cry.

He asked, “Why are you crying now?”

I asked, ” Was the mortgage check taken out of the account by the bank?”

He said,”No why?”  And then he realized what he had done.  He spent our mortgage money on suits at Mitchells.  He spent our mortgage on clothing for himself.  How could he be so selfish and shallow.  So idiotic.

At that point I felt myself sinking down into a pit of despair.   I began to sink into quicksand that would take us almost 6 years to get out of.

Survival

Some days and weeks I went the whole day with only a piece of toast. I would move my dinner around the plate and put it in the fridge for someone else the next day. That was a big sore spot with Paul and of course we would argue. He said I wasn’t eating enough and I would argue that I had to eat last so everyone else could eat. If there was enough I could eat.

When we would get an extra twenty dollars in a week I would run to the store and buy protein. Buying meat on a bone meant I could use the bones to make stock. We had broth in the house and there were times when we would have six containers of broth in our freezer. Adding rice to the broth could make that one piece of meat our food for two weeks instead of one. Broth was our protein and I got creative. I added sour cream and cheese to rice cooked in broth for Special Rice for the children. We ate that a few times a week and when the sales were right we would also have ground beef in our Special Rice.

Chefs often recommend making your own stock. It is more flavorful and uses more of the meat and bones. For us it was a cheap source of protein to feed our growing children. I did what I could to feed my family. If that meant I did not eat then so be it. That was fine as long as the children were healthy and full. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat anything for a day or two. Life is tough when you haven’t eaten in two days and are still too embarrassed to go to the food bank. In those days I couldn’t tell you where to find a food bank.

If we were in that situation again I would go simply to keep my family fed and myself healthy. Survival.

No Matter How Much I Love My Children

My children are the light of my life.  They have in one instant change my life forever and do so again and again everyday.  I would do anything for them, but our minds play evils tricks with us.  We have been through hell and back.  We have survived our quicksand and yet I torture myself with the; What If…..

Really it is about Emily.  We chose to have Emily and I am so happy for that decision.  But, what if we had made a different decision.  Sometimes when in my darkest times I would look at her beautiful sleeping form and wonder how our life would be different, easier without her.  I gave up so much to have her.  I could work like normal if not for her.  Getting a house would have more options without her.  Because of her we need at least 3 bedrooms, yet, 2 bedroom homes are so much cheaper…..School is so expensive and we haven’t started saving for college yet.  Usually at this point I am crying because I love her so much that even the thought of life without her is physically painful.

If we never had Emily I would not have the giggles when the three of them are goofing around.  We would never have the flowers picked by her from the yard.  We would never have the little pink shoe hanging from our Garage door to remind us of how stinky her feet would get after wearing Crocs.  I never could understand how such a compact, cute, bubbly little girl could have such smelly feet.

After following this line of thought and having a good cry, it is at this time that I know that we are on this path for a reason; to help others.  I am not alone in having these feelings.  I am not alone in knowing that I would trade everything again for her, it still doesn’t make it easy to swallow.  It helps to know I am not alone.

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