My children are the light of my life. They have in one instant change my life forever and do so again and again everyday. I would do anything for them, but our minds play evils tricks with us. We have been through hell and back. We have survived our quicksand and yet I torture myself with the; What If…..
Really it is about Emily. We chose to have Emily and I am so happy for that decision. But, what if we had made a different decision. Sometimes when in my darkest times I would look at her beautiful sleeping form and wonder how our life would be different, easier without her. I gave up so much to have her. I could work like normal if not for her. Getting a house would have more options without her. Because of her we need at least 3 bedrooms, yet, 2 bedroom homes are so much cheaper…..School is so expensive and we haven’t started saving for college yet. Usually at this point I am crying because I love her so much that even the thought of life without her is physically painful.
If we never had Emily I would not have the giggles when the three of them are goofing around. We would never have the flowers picked by her from the yard. We would never have the little pink shoe hanging from our Garage door to remind us of how stinky her feet would get after wearing Crocs. I never could understand how such a compact, cute, bubbly little girl could have such smelly feet.
After following this line of thought and having a good cry, it is at this time that I know that we are on this path for a reason; to help others. I am not alone in having these feelings. I am not alone in knowing that I would trade everything again for her, it still doesn’t make it easy to swallow. It helps to know I am not alone.