I think about where this all started and I can vividly remember one event….
We were living in Trumbull at the time. Emily was not born yet and we were struggling every month to pay our $3600 mortgage. It was always a battle to figure out where the money would come from to pay it. This particular month we had the money in the account and the check had been sent. It was such a good and bad feeling. I felt a sense of freedom that it was paid for another month, but, I can remember thinking that this was probably going to be the last time we were going to be able to pay it. I was bothered by that and was quite depression about it.
I remember fighting with Paul. He would say to me why can’t you just enjoy what you have right here and now. You are making yourself miserable… I would say I just want to pay my bills. I am not looking for anything more. Why can’t we downsize and just pay the bills. This repeated fight was a big issue for us at the time.
Well the next day. He goes to work and comes home in a wonderful mood. A better mood than I had seen him in in months.
I said,” What did you do today you’re in a good mood?”
He said,” I went shopping.”
“Oh” I said,” what did you get?” I thinking he would say a shirt, a pair of pants something for the boys….
“Some clothing, a couple of suits, some shirts.”
I sat down heavily and asked,”So you cot a check today?”
“No” he said,”We had the money in the account and we paid the mortgage a few days ago, so I thought I would take the extra money and buy some suits at Mitchells.”
I was shocked… I couldn’t speak because I was choking. I felt like I was lost at sea and sinking. I felt abandoned and betrayed. I couldn’t breath but managed to ask how much he spent. He very happily and easily replied $3000.
“We had the money…” I began to cry.
He asked, “Why are you crying now?”
I asked, ” Was the mortgage check taken out of the account by the bank?”
He said,”No why?” And then he realized what he had done. He spent our mortgage money on suits at Mitchells. He spent our mortgage on clothing for himself. How could he be so selfish and shallow. So idiotic.
At that point I felt myself sinking down into a pit of despair. I began to sink into quicksand that would take us almost 6 years to get out of.