The Quicksand Story

Our story through the quicksand of our own financial crisis

No Matter How Much I Love My Children

My children are the light of my life.  They have in one instant change my life forever and do so again and again everyday.  I would do anything for them, but our minds play evils tricks with us.  We have been through hell and back.  We have survived our quicksand and yet I torture myself with the; What If…..

Really it is about Emily.  We chose to have Emily and I am so happy for that decision.  But, what if we had made a different decision.  Sometimes when in my darkest times I would look at her beautiful sleeping form and wonder how our life would be different, easier without her.  I gave up so much to have her.  I could work like normal if not for her.  Getting a house would have more options without her.  Because of her we need at least 3 bedrooms, yet, 2 bedroom homes are so much cheaper…..School is so expensive and we haven’t started saving for college yet.  Usually at this point I am crying because I love her so much that even the thought of life without her is physically painful.

If we never had Emily I would not have the giggles when the three of them are goofing around.  We would never have the flowers picked by her from the yard.  We would never have the little pink shoe hanging from our Garage door to remind us of how stinky her feet would get after wearing Crocs.  I never could understand how such a compact, cute, bubbly little girl could have such smelly feet.

After following this line of thought and having a good cry, it is at this time that I know that we are on this path for a reason; to help others.  I am not alone in having these feelings.  I am not alone in knowing that I would trade everything again for her, it still doesn’t make it easy to swallow.  It helps to know I am not alone.


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2 thoughts on “No Matter How Much I Love My Children

  1. Do you really need a 3 bedroom home? Plenty of kids my age grew up sharing rooms with their siblings, even brothers and sisters shared into their early teens and survived unscathed. I think we are living in a time when we feel that there are certain things we are entitled to that a very large proportion of the people on the planet do not have.

    School is also one of those things. I am recently converted to the opinion that college is an overpriced and overrated phenomenon. In these crazy modern times, it is probably more useful to learn to be creative and entrepreurial than to go and get an expensive college degree only to struggle to find a job at the end of it.

    Unless your children decide they specifically need a degree for their chosen vocation they can probably do without college.. or they can try for a scholarship or work to save the money for themselves.. it sounds harsh, but people often manage to do that when they are really committed to it and will forever benefit from knowing how much they accomplished. It doesn’t mean you can’t help them out if you have the means, but don’t beat yourself up about it if you don’t have the money to pay for everything for them. I went to college only because it was free (20 years ago in the UK the government actually gave me money to go!) and everyone else was doing it.. and I had no idea what else to do with my life.

    Just a few thoughts.. your daughter is a blessing to you, she would no doubt be happy to share a bedroom and work hard for the money or a scholarship to college if and when she wants to go, so long as she knows she is wanted and loved beyond all material things.

    • Michelle, Thank you so much for you input. I agree and in actuality, Emily did share a room with her brothers for 3 1/2 years to no detriment. She is one of the lights of my life and a blessing. Please have no doubts about how I feel about her. I will say that when you are at the bottom of a pit of despair thoughts like these go through your head and I am sure I am not alone in these thoughts. I am willing to bet that fewer people who have these thoughts( which are unavoidable in despair) are as easily forgiving of themselves for having them. This is why I posted this. I thought very hard about this knowing that she will read this one day. Many people have these thoughts and think they are horrible parents, are terrible people and worse that they are completely alone. Grief does funny things to us. I just want people to know they are not alone in feeling what they are feeling. It is a difficult place to be, alone.

      Once again thank you for your great comment and feedback. I really enjoy it!

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